Goodbye 2013

As 2013 winds down there has been so much I am thankful for. From my job to my friends and family: I am grateful. I've taken a hiatus from the blog but I will be back full force 2014. I'm in the dissertation phase of my doctorate so time is precious and I've been a slave to my computer... Nevertheless, Happy New Year!!!

Almost There!!!!!

So it's been some time since I last posted. Mostly because of work, being sick, and finishing up my doctorate. As many of you know, my job takes up a large amount of my time. The result is that I am often tired and burn the candle at both ends. However, I tend to do better during stress, for some odd reason. I guess that eventually you adapt. I guess this is more of an update than anything else. So here goes from August until now.

1. I moved and I mentioned that in an earlier post as well as bought a new car. So I have a new house and a new car which I purchased all on my own. My raise helped that quite a bit. I really like my Charger and have started doing things to it, including tinting the windows, replacing the headlights with brighter halogens. Next step is the racing stripe and new rims. Chloe likes it too, though much to her consternation it is not red.

2. I finished my comps (comprehensive exam) before dissertation. 65 pages later... I am still awaiting the results. However I have maintained my straight A GPA (God only knows how). I am in the middle of the last class as well. Let's just say that I never in a million years, thought that I would be this close to the end. It has been a strange and interesting ride from 2011 (when I started my doctoral work) and now.

3. Chloe had her 4K conferences and as always, she is a shining star. I will have a separate blog post about this and her, later. However, she never ceases to amaze me with what she says and what she knows. She was Merida from "Brave" this Halloween and boy did she get a ton of compliments. Now that we have mastered the "pink shooter" (her BB gun), we are now getting into bows and fishing. She loves to fish and is looking forward to fishing with Grandpa Odell. I am so glad that she is an outdoorsy kiddo like I was. Her obsession with bows was reinforced with a new bow for Halloween, since she was Merida. She's also asked to go hunting with her dad and grandpa but was upset that she will not get a tree stand of her own. That's my girl!!!

4. So I have continued to maintain my weight loss, but with the work pressures, I haven't been in but one 5K this year. I have the goal of running the Music City Marathon with one of my faculty members. It is actually pretty exciting to think that I get to do something I have always dreamed of.
5. I am the proud owner of a new 9mm... So far just adding to the collection. It handles nicely and I have had a fun time with it at the range. My range buddies (mostly cops), make me laugh when I come in with it instead of the .45. Evidently, I wimped out by buying a 9mm- according to them. Though they all know that I use the .45 at the range, more often than not.

6. Things have really worked in my favor since I left the dreaded "North". I know that I stayed entirely too long in the frozen tundra, but there were various reasons- one being my smart and energetic, daughter. I have some great people in my life here and have been able to connect with several old friends who are here in the Birmingham area. I am thankful that Karma has been kind. I realize that the mistakes of the past are in the past. Mostly because I owned them and decided to move forward, rather to be sucked back into that whole mess. You live and learn.... and God knows I am still learning, but I think that I learned some valuable lessons about people, human nature, and being transparent and honest. And in the end, at least I don't have to hear everyday how I screwed up!

Google Analytics....

Evidently Google Analytics has determined that Detroit, MI and Dothan, AL have individuals that are either obsessed with my blog or have people who have reached my blog and decided to spend hours on it... The MI reader accessed 27 pages and the AL reader less than that, but for several hours.  I have more details, because of how Google analyzes the data. Well, I hope they find what they are looking for in regards to information, LOL... it is bordering on a wee bit excessive... But thankfully I have this thing called Smith and Wesson which makes me feel somewhat safe from stalkers (if I indeed have them)... However, if it is just information one seeks, then feel free to comment or message me. Posts this week are going to be short and probably non-existent as we are in the middle of two more audits and I am exhausted!

And Here I Thought It Was the "Best" Policy...

My grandfather used to tell me that honesty was "the best policy". It may be, but it also evidently drives people away. I have come to realize that the truth hurts. Many people have no problem dishing things out, but they sure can't take them. Especially when items hit home. I have always been a straight shooter and evidently my last post, rubbed a few people the wrong way. However, I acknowledge it, but I am not apologizing because my blog is about how I FEEL and is my own publication, not a blog for people to get offended and think that it is just about them. It was about MANY people in my life in the past few years if not months... On any account, I still feel the same way and I also have to say that a few people, in their communications, confirmed what I already believed. Sometimes it is better to keep your mouth shut than validate what is being said.

With all that said, thank you to the people in my life who instead of getting "butt hurt" listened to what I had to say and also realized that what was being said, translated to other relationships and friendships. In writing it, I realized that I really do put myself out there for criticism and in doing so, I realize that I also sometimes don't give a rat's butt what people think in regards to my own experiences and opinions. I also know that if what I say gets people to really think about their own interactions with others, including me, then I have done my job. I was told that my blog drives people away, that I shouldn't be completely honest, and my favorite that I shouldn't write. Well much to my critic's consternation, I promise you that this will not happen. I am real, my emotions and experience are real and I refuse to apologize for the truth. Defensiveness and anger are not what I had hoped to gain from the last post nor from future posts. As with anything, I believe in teaching and learning. Being aware of items, even if they do not apply to one specifically is also important and an important aspect of life.

To conclude, I still believe that honesty and brutal honesty at times is best. I will never apologize for being "AmiJoy". I did that for far too many years and in that I was not only physically and verbally abused, but my spirit was broken. I have regained many things back and I have decided that no matter what, I will do my best to be the best I can. This also means moving forward from criticism and realizing that sometimes the truth even hurts, but it has to be spoken and believed. I also believe that someday, when I look back at my life, I can know that I did and said what I thought was important especially since in my past, I was silenced by words and fists. There is nothing wrong with telling the truth, but there will always be those who have a problem with it. Instead of dwelling on it, I choose to move forward, cut my losses, and thank God daily for those in my life who chose to remain. To me, that is TRUE acceptance when the truth speaks and people listen, agree or disagree, but realize that people are individuals and are allowed to have a voice. So as I sit here in the writing this in the ER waiting to find out what is going on with my best friend here in Alabama, no one who is a true friend should ever question MY loyalty. But what was once given so freely, is now reserved for those who respond in kind... Lesson learned and bridges burned... 

Disappointment...

 “I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”
―Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

My new car... 2013 Dodge Charger

 

Though the above quote is about romantic relationships, it can be applied to friendships or acquaintanceship.  When I read Eat, Pray, Love; I realized that Gilbert and I relate on so many different levels. We believe in the potential of others to do better and be better, but often they don't see it. As with anything in life, I have my moments like anyone else... And the last thing I ever want to be is a disappointment. I have been spending the last two weeks realizing that though I love others deeply and freely, there are few that return the favor. I wasn't sure about a few of my friendships in life, so I tried an experiment. First I didn't contact anyone or communicate with anyone to see who would actually reach out first. Then when it was about a week, I started a conversation with, "Sorry I am such a disappointment". The responses I received varied from "What" to "You are not a disappointment" to "We are on different clouds". To be honest, I didn't receive any responses that changed my decision any at all. I decided to let people and things go which require me to feel obligated to attend to them other than my daughter, Chloe.

The worst part is that several people were people I thought cared and even loved me. I found out differently. I guess out of sight out of mind. You have to firmly be in the forefront for most people to even remember who you are, care, or even respond. What I learned from this was 1) Convenience is everything.  This is not necessarily a positive thing. Basically people will go for convenience even when it comes to relationships. 2) I am tired of making time for people in my life who simply do not care.  I am tired of caring about people who only seek to use me for my big heart and my willingness to give them the shirt off my back. I think I have taken the concept of not leaving anyone behind and giving the shirt off my back, beyond what was reasonable for individuals, who for whatever reason, have shown no regard for my feelings and thoughts. Quite simply: I'm done... I wish those individuals the best, but I cannot keep on burning the candle at both ends in order to keep the lines of communication open. Communication goes two ways. Anyone who knows me, knows I am communicative and I am tired of trying to keep dying friendships alive when no one else cares to. Some people are in your life for a season, but also for a reason. Change is a good thing...

I know that I am not a disappointment. That wasn't the point. It was mostly to see where I stood with people in my life. I also realized that I am always seeking to better myself and the world around me, so therefore I attract people who want the same thing; only they don't want to do what it takes to get it. Living vicariously through me is not the way to do it. You have to do it yourself. I can offer encouragement and support, but I am done supporting people who do not support me on a regular basis and who create chaos in my life. One has to ascend into greatness on their own.

On that note: I have moved to a permanent place in Alabama. I previously had roommates (3) and now I have a place in the country/rural area outside of Birmingham. I have paid off quite a bit of debt recently and was able to purchase a new 2013 Dodge Charger- a car I have always wanted. Everyone who knows me, knows I am not a typical woman. I like guns, beer, fast cars, hunting, fishing, camo, and adrenaline, while reapplying my lipstick I have retrieved from my Coach purse and discussing philosophy and education. I appreciate my parents for raising a well rounded daughter and I hope to do the same with Chloe.

We have made it through our mock audit for re-accreditation. I am close to dissertation. My daughter is starting kindergarten. My brother was married on Friday.  My best friend is having a baby. I have been in Birmingham almost a year. I have worked my butt off to get to where I am and it is paying off. Finally, getting rid of so much extra baggage and "boogers" (as my best friend puts it), that I am content. It's all about the little stuff. Don't get me wrong, I will still do what I can to help people, but I am going to do it the way I know best, through education, food/cooking, and loving & caring for the right people. I plan on listening to my 6th sense/intuition, more often. Mostly because when I don't, I get burned. For those of you who are reading who have stuck by me and who didn't get the communication I talked about, know that the reason why you didn't is because there wasn't a question in my mind where you stood with me and I with you.  Thank you for your loyalty, support, AND communication.

Not as pathetic as you thought...

The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is.

~Winston Churchill

It has been over six months since I posted on my blog. It was a good choice considering the negativity which was surrounding me at the time. I think that veracity had the last word... Validation and corroboration overrode me being discredited, and though it may appear like one thing… I have learned that things never really are quite what they seem and I do happen to have friends in high places, who have and had my back. Nevertheless, the outcome was what I expected, but even more than what I actually did expect. Like we say in healthcare and education, "If it isn't documented then it isn't completed or done"... Let's just say that being over-organized and being in the habit of documenting everything, someone else receiving bad advice and a well placed GPS, helped in the end. Nothing like going from seven to five... And then out of the game at twelve... With little to show for it...

At the urging of several people, I am back to blogging again. Just a few updates, because I have been entirely too busy to write and I probably won't until the weekends these days:

1. I have been in Alabama almost a year and I love it here. I go back to WI once or twice a month, but I have to say that I am glad that the snow has been up there and NOT here. Actually, this weather has been good for my fibromyalgia and really my entire wellbeing.

2. I am now two years out from my surgery and I am maintaining now. I run, do corecamper.com, and am taking Tae Kwon Do now (when I have time). I was sidelined by plantar fasciitis and my body had to adapt to the humidity, but so far so good.

3. Chloe graduated from preschool and is headed to Pre-K in the fall. Just waiting to see if she was accepted to the Montessori school. I actually filled out the application for the school when she started preschool anticipating that she would do better there and her preschool teacher verified this. Since I am an educator, I am willing to do whatever she needs to be successful in school. She has already started to read a little bit, which is no surprise as I was almost four when I started reading and four when I started piano.  The school district she is currently in, has given approval for her to attend school in another district. It is either that or the private school in town. So we shall see…

4. I am two classes away from completing my doctoral course work and then I am on to dissertation. I am happy that I am progressing and will meet my goal before I turn 40 (which was the plan, even with a few diversions). I have been blessed to have people volunteer to be on my dissertation committee without me asking. All of them are people that have mentored me, so I am very grateful for their assistance in this final phase of my formal education.

5. I cut my hair. I decided that I would grown my hair out until I hit my goal weight. I just decided it was time and had my friend Leah cut it. Basically with me in the pool often, the humidity here in the South, and the fact that I'm always on the go; the cut made more sense!

6. My weight loss pin on Pinterest has taken a life of its own in the last few days… It has been pinned and repinned, so I am hoping that it is inspiring others as I know that many are using it for motivation and sharing it as well.

7. At work, my assistant and I have totally redone our syllabi, curriculum, and in the final stages of preparing everything for summer session.  I have written enough curriculum in the form of discussion questions and writing assignments that I probably could have written a whole book. In fact, I developed Power Points for a sociology course and the publisher is considering using them for instructor resources. I did what I did out of necessity, but being told that, was a nice surprise. I can’t believe that I have been here almost a year. It has been a crazy ride, but somehow we have made it through it.

8. My life pretty much consists on school, work, travel to see Chloe, working out, and sleeping.  I really have a kind of boring life, but I do have good friends down here who I can go fishing with, swimming with, to the lake, on the four wheelers, to the range, have bonfires with, and also go on motorcycle rides with. However boring my life is, life back in the South has actually been a good thing for me. Getting back to my roots was important as much for me, as it was for me to feel like I am doing right by my daughter.

The haircut...

Ready for Preschool Graduation

9. My fibromyalgia is pretty much in remission (if you can say that). The warmer weather and the steadiness of temperatures, keeps me from being in as much pain as I was up North. I find that I sleep better and am able to stay active more than I was when I was in WI and MN. I spend a lot of time outdoors doing what I love.

10. I am getting closer to finding my biological family. But with work, school, and Chloe, it really isn’t that big of a priority.  I know it sounds terrible, but that’s the truth in a nutshell. I have however, relatives ALL over the South, so eventually I guess I will meet one of them and find out the truth or something… You can probably tell that I am pretty much ok with knowing or not know. I am confident in who and what I am and if I get an answer, I get an answer lol… I know, I really don’t sound too enthusiastic.

Anyway, I am going to get back to blogging and sharing ideas and tips for leading a healthier lifestyle. I am not sure how often anymore because my dissertation will take a bulk of my time, but even when I wasn’t writing, I was still inspiring people to lose weight, by whatever means they felt was best. In fact, at least 9 people have had weight loss surgery and more than 13 have made lifestyle changes. As an educator, that is probably the best way to test your impact- is if someone takes the experiences you’ve had and shared (good and bad) and uses it to better themselves.  If you are just starting your journey, in the middle, or close to the end, congratulations and keep moving ahead!!!!

This Is Meant for...

Someone who might need this about right now... I have no clue who you are, but I know it was a great reminder to me today... Maybe you need it too...

Leadership....

Or what the Army likes to call LDRSHP... In Ancient times Aristotle (and Plato) laid out several things in which he thought made a person a good citizen or even a productive member of society in "The Politics". He discussed much about how morals and values along with ethics are impacted by example or what is learned. He noted items that are and were important in being someone who has empathy and is empathetic.

This is different than sympathy (pathos meaning emotional ): with emotion, compassion: compati or suffering with, or apathy: without emotion. Rather is means to cause to have or understand emotion... I think people misconstrue them. However, I don't believe that you can have compassion without empathy or vice versa which is why I bring up Plato.

I have heard since 1997 different interpretations of citizenship, being a leader, and having values. I have found though that most people can quote, believe they have, align themselves with, and even join causes to promote leadership, pathos, and whatever on a whim or what they decide to do, but few people live or even really know the true meaning of any of it.

Often we hear people saying they are empathetic or compassionate while wrecking havoc on others. Let's face it, at one time the Crusades were justified. And people thought they were going to bring religion to the heathens. At the expense of killing people in the name of religion. As time has gone by, we have forgotten what pathos means and this has even translated into leadership.

Loyalty. Plato talks about loyalty to the Republic. Even as citizens we find that loyalty is given when there is trust, but many time loyalties are placed on people who have no intention of bearing any allegiance to another. Meaning they are out for themselves, especially when of gas to do with duty, honor, integrity, and personal courage. Loyalty is a trait not found in cowards or traitors. The true test of loyalty is whether or not someone can face adversity and remain true.

Duty also is tied in to pathos and also loyalty. This means being driven to act even if it means you have something to lose. Once again people's selfish nature, disloyalty, and lack of courage get in the way of fulfilling one's duty. This in essence means when faced with honor or integrity, people will do anything to CYA or cover their butts in an effort to prevent others from seeing their faults. Often thus is seen in dishonesty and also directing others to be dishonest. Eventually the truth comes out and it usually isn't due to conscience but rather being caught.

Respect. Respect also takes pathos into account. In respecting others, we respect ourselves. Quite bluntly, if someone lacks respect for others, they will probably disrespect you, hold no loyalty, and only care about duty when there is something in it for them. Once again, the human nature aspect that Greek philosophers talk about. I also know that being selfless has a huge hand in this.

Selflessness is putting others before you. Those who are selfless,may often be hurt because those who are selfish, have no loyalty, no sense of or misplaced duty, and respect is only there if they think they might get something out of it. Perhaps the main reason why few are selfless has to do with personal or financial gain. When those areas are impacted or purposefully adjusted, the selfish often blame others. Say in the case of a fine: bad behavior = a negative outcome. But instead of taking responsibility, it was the clerk at the liquor store who cause the drunk driver to get a DUI and so on and so forth. Taking responsibility for ones actions, even in the face of adversity shows something that few truly know with respect to honor and integrity.

Honor and integrity go hand in hand. Once again pathos comes into play. Honor shows respect. If not for anyone else but for oneself. Sometimes doing the honorable thing is not necessarily the most popular thing. Honor allows for one to show the other values mentioned in respect to ones values and beliefs and is manifested in actions. Lying or giving a false appearance is in no way honorable. Appearances or rather false appearances. We could talk about this all day, but a code of honor, far surpasses even false bravery or courage.

Integrity.... The word itself has to do with honesty in regards to ethics. Even a bad situation which has caused morals or ethics to be compromised, can be turned around when someone decides to have integrity. Meaning even when the truth is staring you in the face at great personal risk, one has a duty or an obligation to be honest and truthful. Usually though, human nature takes over and people lie or encourage others to lie. Integrity quite simply is truth!

Lastly, personal courage. You can choose the easy wrong or the hard right. Meaning even at the expense of your own reputation you sometimes have to bite the bullet. This can come at a great price because those who do not hold these values or understand them fully, will do whatever it takes to discredit you. Even to the point of accusing you or anyone else who stands in their way of being whatever they feel will gather the most sympathy or take the pressure or spotlight off of them.

Can pathos exist when these are traits are missing? From a personal and leadership standpoint, I can't see how since all are inextricably tied together. If pathos truly exists then the latter traits or a desire to develop the traits are not hidden. The true test of maturity is found in whether or not a leader can face adversity, fail, or even be mocked without acting in a way that shows that he or she is without pathos or even sinking to the level of the aggressor. Often times it can be described as, "taking one for the team"... But yet, this has to be see as a consistent pattern not just during war, but in peace.

That is also what separates bravery from cowardice. When everyone else is trying to save their own skin, who do you want leading you or in your corner, the one with or without pathos ? How about risking their own reputation to do the right thing. I know who my allegiance would be with. Do you?