Betrayal and Backstabbing....

Success:  To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.  This is to have succeeded!  

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

It took me awhile to determine how I was going to approach this subject because inevitably this subject riles people up, but I would rather speak truthfully about my thoughts about this than stew.  Since I have had this surgery, I have really found out who my friends are. I have also found out that people I have trusted in the past have not been so trustworthy as I thought.  This is a huge disappointment to me, but also a lesson learned.  Why am I even broaching the subject? Because I know a lot more about who is bashing me and telling my personal business than I let on.  Someone once told me a very wise thing: If someone finds it easy to talk about others to you, then they are probably doing the same thing to you. So let's tackle some of the issues I have encountered since I had my gastric bypass.

One backstabber has told multiple people that she is against gastric bypass and that I took the easy way out.  If you have read my blog to this point, you know that it has not been easy. Said person had the nerve to tell me before hand that she was proud of me for doing it and even  supposely said a prayer or two for me before the initial surgery. All I have to say is that I really don't care what she thinks about me.  I'm doing this for MY reasons, not hers. And nothing she says is going to change my journey! Personally if we are going to talk about fake, I could totally start, but that is all I am going to say.  If you take the time to get to really know me-which few do- I am pretty transparent and straightforward.  I would suggest that this person read the dictionary to find out what "fake" means and see how it completely applies to her.  

I cannot tell you how many times, people have told me about people talking about my weight loss to them negatively but those same people are the ones encouraging me to my face. From former friends from WTE to current acquaintances and family, my personal life must be SOOOO interesting to be discussed so frequently.  Just come clean, if they have an issue, then they should be honest.  I would much rather someone tell me to my face that they don't agree than act like they do and they say something completely different to other people. If I'm offended, I'll get over it in short: Jealousy does not make you look attractive and neither does the backstabbing. If I am so horrible for doing this, then why am I the topic of your conversation.  Seriously, I graduated from high school over 16 years ago and even then I had no tolerance for rude people.  How about people letting people live and let live.  Does my surgery directly impact you or them directly.  If not then bug off! 

Why can't people be truly happy for someone when they accomplish a goal?  Why do people think that it gives them the right to analyze and determine someone's motives.  If you ask me my motives, I will be very honest about it.  I wanted to be healthier for my family and myself... that's it in a nutshell.  I took over two years to make this decision and then went through another year long process to even get approved for the surgery.  For the naysayers who say that I could have done it through to diet and exercise, I say no way.  I have fibromyalgia which when I was heavier, was worsened by the weight and then exercise.  I did exercise and I did eat smaller portions etc.  Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am a very healthy eater and want my family to be as well.  Instead of judging someone, how about you ASK.  Of course asking is too hard, so people go around with their opinions about something that they know absolutely NOTHING about.  

If you haven't ever been overweight, then you have no clue why I am nor do you have to right to psychoanalyze me.  Just because you may have a degree in psychology does not mean that you know everything.  In fact, I had to have a psych eval BEFORE I had this surgery to make sure that I have the mental fortitude to be successful.  I also paid for this out of pocket- close to $1000 because my insurance would not pay for it. Everyone's motive for having any surgery should not be questioned.  However, it generally is so that people have fodder for gossip.  Take about fake.... Supposed compliments are thinly veiled but the sarcasm comes out and is noticed.  Like my mother says, "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all"... That is a good rule of thumb to live by. I prefer to be blunt and say simply, "Mind your own darn business"! 

Are people's lives so darn boring that they HAVE to talk about people?  I have cute some people out of my life due to this silliness.  I became disgusted with grown adults acting like children about trivial stuff.  I also do have friends who watch out for me and have told me when people are asking about me (who basically have either thrown me under the bus, read more into what I have said, or who are shady in general.  So far, I have figured out that there are several people who think it is great fun to talk about me.  Why haven't I deleted them cut my ties with them, because to me, it is more fun to mess with their pea brains than it is to be angry and freak out about their criticism. Sometimes you just have to feed the trolls in life!

I have found that people tend to criticize people for anything, as long as they get their two seconds of fame. The sad thing is that when a friend was recently criticized for something that was totally against her character, I defended her.  I knew the truth, but I wasn't about to let her business or reputation be sullied by a jealous former co-worker. In the past, I expected the same from my friends and acquaintances but honestly, I only know a few people who would actually go to bat for me if need be. This is disheartening but once again, I am thankful that my eyes are open to this now.

So what am I saying?  Well I am saying that I would rather have no friends than people who think that they are my friends but are just as guilty as others in regards to talking about and bashing me... With that said, true friends and true counsel are what matters.  I respect people who tell me what they think and feel, without there being an obvious angle. If your agenda is to befriend the former fat girl, forget it.  I am older and wiser and thankfully, more discerning than I have been in the past.  I also don't want other people to feel or hear what I have.  I can't shield people from the idiots of the world, but I was once told as a child, that if you want friends, you have to show yourself friendly... I would also add trustworthy. 

Unfortunately too many people in this world cannot be trusted because all they care about is themselves.   As I mentioned before, I am finding that more people care about themselves than their fellow man.  It is easier to bash and criticize than be adult and tell the truth.  Heck, if someone or any of the people I mentioned, had told me their thoughts, I still would have done what I did, but I would have at least validated what they had to say.  I was not afforded that chance and though life isn't fair, how fair is it for them to expect it out of me but do nothing about it themselves... I call that hypocrisy at it's finest.

So why do people betray and back stab?  Well there are so many reasons that I can't name them all. But some of the few are: jealousy, insecurity, discontent, envy, and anger.  Those are NOT qualities that I want in a friend or anyone that I consider a friend. All those items do is tear people apart. I would rather have 3 good friends than a million acquaintances. Be kind to one another.  Don't be nice just because you want someone to buy your good or service or be your friend on social networking sites or social gatherings.  Be nice because it is the RIGHT thing to do. Be nice because kind people are rare jewels these days.  Be kind because you never know how your kindness could impact someone today.  If you are in doubt about something someone has told you about a person that you thought or think you know well, then go straight to the source. If you have an issue with me or anyone else, come clean and be honest instead of making yourself look like a jackass....  

Most people are forgiving, but once you mess with their family, it is on!  And lastly, if you have fair weather friends like I mentioned, give them the boot.  Bluntly speaking: If you are dealing with toxic people like this in your life, get rid of them... Be confident in who you are and if you have done what you know to be right, then why worry about what others think? You will sleep better at night and be less stressed out at night. And honestly, just because someone wouldn't have chosen this route for weight loss doesn't mean that those of us who have are wrong or weak.  Some of the strongest people I know have done things the unconventional way and been stronger for it! Give them a break!!! Aren't we hard enough on ourselves without adding to someone else's misery?  Conversely, if you are a constant critic, eventually no one will come to for advice because you are so harsh.  Be constructive and remember that if your intent is to TRULY be constructive, then you will go to the person about your issues, instead of airing your issues with them in the court of public opinion!!! It's your choice!!!