It matters more what's in a woman's face than what's on it. ~Claudette Colbert, quoted in Kindling the Spirit by Lois P. Frankel
I thought that I would never write a blog post about this but one of my friends and my photographer, Amy encouraged me to do this, so here goes. I'm an outgoing person and I don't mind sharing my knowledge since many of you know that I am a college professor, but one of the things that I hate since I have had my gastric bypass, is the attention I have been receiving from people who haven't seen me in a while. I know that is sounds weird, but people staring and talking to me about my appearance creeps me out! Compliments are fine.... I can deal with a "you are looking good". But when people go on and on... I get weirded out. I tend to turn it around and try to educate them about GBS. I know that's kind of weird too, but hey, I'm an educator!!! I think it mostly has to do with the fact that I was always taught brains before beauty and when you have been ignored for the last 10 years of your life due to weight, it is easy to be cynical and almost frustrated about the attention. Of course, this creates a conundrum of sorts too.
Yes, I post pictures of my progress, but I think that it is impersonal in that, I am not having a conversation with someone and they are staring almost too intently. At least with pictures, people can see the progress, but not literally in my face. Is that weird or strange? A bit I guess. Don't get me wrong, I like compliments as much as the next person, but I am dying for people to know that I am the SAME person: just as intelligent, just as funny, just as caring etc., as I was when I was almost 300lbs (yes, I said it). Why do we spend so much time looking at people and admiring them for physical characteristics instead of the inside or their intelligence? I would much rather people remember me for what I said, did, or contributed to society, than what I wear or how much I weigh. Unfortunately, our society puts way too much value on appearance and I am having a hard time wrapping my head around it. Truth be told: I still see myself as bigger and it might take some time for my mind to understand what my body is doing.
Proof positive that I still see myself as bigger: Macy's probably hates me. I have returned more clothes in the last 6 months because I ordered them SEVERAL sizes too big. I still see myself in a 3X or a 22/24... Not a 12 or 14. I have been told that it takes some time for the mind to catch up with the physical changes. Do you know I only own one mirror in my house in the bathroom? I didn't necessarily realize what other people saw until I was at my friend Deana's house and was using her restroom. After I washed my hands, I turned around and saw myself in a full length mirror behind her door. Now mind you, I was shocked... I had not looked at myself in a mirror since, I don't know when. I kind of saw what people were talking about but I couldn't stand to look long. I actually felt guilty I think for admiring my progress. Maybe because I thought it was a bit conceited or because I felt hypocritical for even admiring myself even for 2 seconds. I actually turned red and still refuse to buy a full length mirror...
Does this mean that I don't like to look good or dress well? No! I do those things for me and not for anyone else. I believe in the adage that when, " you look good, you feel good", but I also think that when you feel good, you look good. Since I have had this surgery, I feel good and have more energy, so I think that translates to me looking good. I guess a part of me doesn't want people to think that I was insecure and had a huge desire to be skinny and that bigger people are worthless. That is not why I did this as I have mentioned before... I did this for me about 25% and about 75% was done for my family. I want to be there for them and to live without being in pain and sick all the time.
Anyway, back to the subject at hand. I've always wanted people to admire me for what I do and how I do it, instead of what I look like. I think that is why this is something that bothers me so much. Maybe it is because when I was bigger, all I had was my intelligence... I really don't know. I still have my intelligence but I also want people to think beyond what people look like. I am not saying that we should all give up. I am just saying that for people like me, it is uncomfortable to thrust in the spotlight when the sole focus is me. If it is a charity, or a social event, or teaching, or a networking event, I am comfortable when it benefits others. However, when it comes down to my appearance, which does nothing for the world around me, then I have a hard time dealing with it. Maybe it's a self esteem issue. I am pretty clueless at this point, but one thing I do know, is that this whole journey is a learning process and sometimes in an effort to educate others, we must be educated and continue to be educated ourselves. So I am just going to keep reflecting and learning about me!!! But in the meantime, remember what your grandma said: "Staring is RUDE!!!"...
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