Sit in reverie and watch the changing color of the waves that break upon the idle seashore of the mind. ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
So I am past a quarter of the way through my first year after my gastric bypass... I am down to a 14/16 and 12 in some sizes already. I took a chance on Sunday and wore a dress for the first time since college (except for my wedding and Julie's wedding). It was so weird that I was afraid that I might be improper in the way that I sit so I wore bike shorts underneath. I am not really used to the compliments that I am getting and though they are nice, they feel kind of weird. Not that I am not appreciative, but it all just seems surreal to me...
I am finding that even though I have always been confident and outspoken that people actually listen to me now... I really do think that people have a prejudice against people who are bigger. I am wondering if I should investigate that more after I finish my doctorate and see if there is a correlation between that and the type of instruction given to students who are heavier. It shouldn't matter but evidently it does.... it's sad to me. I also wonder if heavier students don't ask as many questions as they should because they do not want to draw attention to themselves. I wonder...
I find that I am not as tired as I was over 50lbs ago, however, I am having to learn to pace myself because of the fact that now I am "free" of a 50lb weight, I want to do so much more. It's almost like when a child starts walking, he or she has FREEDOM and is so excited to explore. I feel that way about many things including boating and swimming again. I was actually excited to put on a swimsuit this year instead of hiding in my clothes and coverups. Oh and it felt good!!!! And I actually wore shorts too... Yay me, I am getting braver.
I am not afraid to be seen anymore... I honestly avoided going outside unless I absolutely had to. I chose to isolate myself and if you know me, that was painful for my heart and soul. I enjoy people but I did not enjoy people looking at me strangely-perceived or not. Don't get me wrong, I have always been confident in my abilities, but not my looks. I think that is common in most women, but I always felt different especially when you grow up with most people not looking like you and having hair that NEVER wants to cooperate. After my divorce I moved to a small town in Wisconsin and there I was actually so different that people wanted to be around me. That was really the first time that I felt unique instead of weird... Now I feel weird but in a good way. I don't know how to explain it and I really don't have to because these are my general musings... :)
Let's see what else? Well in my therapy sessions BEFORE the surgery (It was required and I am, surprisingly, normal) I talked extensively with the psychologist about how I was confident but that I felt that my weight issue was a product of my environment. I was very honest about my abusive first marriage. Not only was I abused by my ex husband, but his family was very verbally and mentally cruel to me. I was a young, naive girl... I wasn't really a woman but I put up with a heck of a lot more than I should have because I believed that things WOULD get better. They didn't. So I built up a wall. I truly believe that part of my weight gain was conscious but yet unconscious. From the moment I entered that family, I was critiqued heavily and was even told that my marriage WOULD be destroyed and that was their goal. So I tried to be invisible. I was criticized for everything from my faith in God, to my ethnicity (I was compared to a zebra cake- NO JOKE). I guess I was still playing Pollyanna when there was no hope... However, when he divorced me, he really did me a favor because I probably would have never left. But to prevent myself from getting hurt, I built up a shell.... a shell of fat and a quick wit and tongue. Then I met my husband.
Bill loved and loves me for me. Yes, I am mouthy and brash. Yes, I have my opinions and stick to my guns, much to the chagrin of his family. But I am a good wife and mother and I know and own that. I realized that I could not be everything that Bill and Chloe needed me to be with high blood pressure, mild seasonal depression related to the weight, and in constant pain because the weight adds to my fibromyalgiaLOL!
And while we are at these general musings... why the heck do people act so weird when you tell them that you had gastric bypass. People look at me like I have two heads... I am not sure what people are REALLY thinking but I know that it can't be that positive based on their facial reactions. Hey, if it bothers you that much that someone had a surgical intervention to prolong their life, then sorry, but it's not your life and it's not your diagnosis of an earlier death than most. I believe that everyone does things they way that suits them the best. I have a good friend who lost all her weight via regular diet and exercise and I am so proud of her!!! That is what worked for her... It didn't work for me AT all, but I don't act superior because I had the surgery. In fact, we struggle with same things regardless of how we choose to tackle them.
I find that I am more empathetic... Not that I wasn't before, but I am more aware when someone else is hurting because I realized that even though I have everything I ever wanted, the one thing I didn't have was something I so desired, a healthy weight. Don't get me wrong, I DO Empathize, but I do not PATRONIZE... If that makes sense or SYMPATHIZE, that helps NO ONE... I like to facilitate.... I like to empower people... I like to teach.... That is the purpose of this blog, to make sure that people UNDERSTAND and not just see me lose weight and think that it is all wine and roses and my favorite phrase, "sunshine, rainbow, and ponies"... That is the less vulgar version of an Army phrase. Which brings me to my next topic: Struggles.
I have struggles like everyone else. My struggles are:
1) Eating enough protein.... I am seriously at the point where I don't care if my hair falls out... I can always shave my head and I would still be skinny. Perhaps the skinny me would cancel out the bald me? Probably not but here is to wishful thinking lol. It's a constant struggle and I am not really hungry these days. The most I eat is 500-800 calories (per my dietitian) and I still struggle to eat that. No I am not anorexic but I ALWAYS feel full to a point. It kind of sucks sometimes. I mentioned before the vomiting as well.
The running joke is that I am bulimic or something, but I didn't realize how much that affected Chloe. She is always worried that when I am in the bathroom or when I eat that I am going to puke. That is a lot for a 2 year old child to handle. I became keenly aware of it when she started saying that she needed to puke or would ask me if I needed to puke. Talk about feeling like a horrible mommy!!! If I get sick, I am nonchalant about it and I shut the bathroom door and try to do it as quietly as possible. She doesn't need to worry about me.
As food in general, it is give or take. I can't eat dairy except for cheese. I am soy everything now because I am pretty sure I was and am lactose intolerant. Bill has started making me lunches which help tremendously and I eat soy yogurt and milk, which help with my protein intake and right now it reminded me that I forgot to bring Clif bars to work again... DARN!!!!
2) Perceiving myself bigger than I am now. Last week I finally broke down and bought new jeans because I insisted on still wearing my size 20 jeans. Which looking back is ridiculous, but in an effort to save money and because I wasn't really aware of my size. I finally was counseled by some wise friends to go and get size because I was almost ready to lose my pants in the store one day.
3) My boobs have disappeared. I WAS a 46DDD but now I am something like a 38C... Weight loss coupled with having breastfed Chloe= no boobs for me. And honestly I am happy with that except the fact that I am in need of a lift lol! Of course, I know that some of you are saying, "She's upset about a C?" but it's just different and I have to get used to it.
4) My skin hangs on my stomach... It is really unattractive and to my husband's credit he is kind to me about it. He just reminds me that it shows how much weight I have and am losing. I am pretty blessed to have him as a husband. He loved me when I was huge and never said anything nasty to me.
5) My type A tendencies are now exaggerated because I have energy. If you know me, you can only imagine what that looks like. Just think Red Bull, ADHD (which I do have BTW), Coffee and steam and you can see why Bill is starting to dread my projects. Last week it was purging clothing that I will never wear again, getting rid of furniture purchased with my ex husband, and boxing up our DVDs. I even did laundry which was his job due to the fact that I managed to injure myself every time I went to the basement....
So this is what I call my midline or base assessment... I know that some people think that I share too much, but I honestly find it therapeutic and if I can help someone through this journey, I will. I have to pay it back because I have had so many people who have supported me through this. I am not perfect by any means and think that it is important to tell the truth about this process. Years ago when Star Jones had this done, people were upset that she wasn't telling the truth, so even though I want to be a Star, I sure don't want to be Star Jones!!! Honestly is the best policy and I find that when my friends who had this done beforehand were honest with me from everything to skin, cravings and sex, it made it easier for me to be honest with the rest of the world about this process.... So learn from my mistakes and sufferings, share in my successes and joys, and pay it forward!!!! Oh and as you see from my picture, don't take yourself too seriously or you risk becoming boring!!!
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