Reflections...

Under every full moon lies a reflection of the stars, and under every star lies a reflection of someone's soul. ~Ruthie Fer Shure

The last almost 5 months have been kind of a blur... In fact, I have been so busy SINCE I had my bypass, that really believe that the time has bone by quickly or at least quicker than it seems. I have to say though, that some of the reason why it has flown by, has been because of some very supportive people in my life, including my family: Bill and Chloe.  I honestly have appreciated all the encouragement and cheering on that many have you have been a part of.  It certainly helps knowing that there are so many people out there actually rooting for me instead of trying to break me or tear me down.  Of course, there have been people who have bailed along the way, and the funny thing is that I hardly noticed that the negative naysayers are gone!  I have to say that it is quite refreshing and motivating to not have to look at or hear a ton of negativity, whether it be in person or through social networking sites.

I know some people have been angry, jealous, or even vicious about my weight loss, but I will say what I have said, time and time again: this isn't always the right choice for everyone.  I understand that and I think that others should to.  Someday, I might actually be able to share one on one with people how I got the point of needing surgery for my obesity. I didn't decide one day that I wanted to be fat, but I did decide one day that I needed to do something about my obesity.  I was a heart attack and stroke just waiting to happen and so, at the prodding of my husband, I decided to go and at least attend an informational session.  I still wasn't convinced even up to a week before my surgery if this was for me.  I even prayed several times that if God DID not want me to have the surgery, to slam the door in my face so that I couldn't miss it.  And even though there were a few hiccups in the process, the door remained open.

So what is going on now that I have lost almost 70 pounds?  Well, quite frankly, I am learning how to live again.  I had retreated so far into myself that I had forgotten who I REALLY was.  I hid behind my identity as an intellectual, college professor, military wife, and mommy.  It was easier to get lost in those "hats" than to admit that I was lonely and embarrassed by myself.  I longed to go outside and do what I enjoyed in the past, to socialize, and to be valued as a contributing member of society.  I honestly believe that is why I stayed and I do stay busy.  It keeps my mind off of the things that make me feel so insecure and that bother me.  Easy right?  Nope...

Before I had my surgery, I was told that if I ever needed someone to talk to, that the counselor I saw for my psych eval was available.  She has been working with bariatric surgery patients for the last 20 years or so.  I really appreciate her advice and her willingness to listen even if it is a phone consult or a brief meeting.  I am not ashamed to say that I see her or talk to her. I find that I can in a non-judgmental setting where I feel totally and completely supported.  She also is one of my biggest cheerleaders and lets me know that even though I am have emotions and feelings surrounding my GBS, that I am doing the right thing and very strong for doing so.

Evidently many people do not utilize counselors after having surgery and tend to really struggle or even commit suicide.  Before anyone thinks this might be me, it isn't.   Mostly what I talk to her about is my issues with food that I did not realize that I had until AFTER the surgery.  I tend to be an all or nothing person.  I either am all in, or I am all out.  There is no in between so the biggest issue that I deal with is being afraid to eat.  I am so afraid of failing, so some days, I really struggle to eat what I should.  I am not saying that I am anorexic by any means (and I did ask her about this), but I am learning new coping skills and mechanisms in dealing with food. I appreciate the fact that she has given me strategies in dealing with this rather new phenomena.  If anyone who has had gastric bypass tells you that it doesn't mess with your mind and way of thinking, he or she is NOT being honest with themselves.  I am very strong mentally and I find that some days, I feel like my will is just not there.  So I believe that if I have bad days, others do too.

The whole reason why I decided to write this blog was to deal with REAL issues facing someone who has had GBS.  I understand that some people may not agree with the route I took or how I handle things.  That is fine, but realize that this blog is about MY journey and each person who goes on a journey like mine, faces different things.  Experiences are as varied as people are, which is why you will find that some things I talk about may not be as relevant as some.  Does that mean what I have to say is any less important?  No, because I believe that somehow, someone, somewhere could use some of the information or relate to what I am saying.  If I reach just one person, then I would say that this is all worth it.

Another issue that I find interesting is the issue of male attention.  No I won't say that I don't like it, but I also am not a huge fan of being ogled.  Compliments are nice, but it's uncomfortable to me because I am just not used it. I suppose if I was single, I might have a very different take on it, but I find it more amusing than anything. Is that bad? According to my therapist, it is normal to be cynical about this.  Of course my husband loves it because he has a "hot wife" now...   Once again, I don't even want to try to figure out the male mind.  No offense, but it's very one track and confusing.

One issue that I deal with too is the issue of excess skin.  Seriously, it bothers me because it's worse than it was when I was prego.  My hope is that after I lose all the weight that I get a body lift and a breast lift.  And yes, I am somewhat insecure about this.  I feel guilty almost to be complaining about excess skin when I have lost the extra weight, but now I am fully able to see what my weight coupled with pregnancy did to me and it ain't pretty!!! I have skin... everywhere and the worst part is that it is just there.... UGGGHHHH.

I'm also having back problems due to the change in my body structure, so I have been going back to my chiropractor for adjustments.  And yes they help!  I am a huge believer in alternative medicine and therapies and have seen a chiropractor since I was nine or ten.  I do notice that my posture has changed which has put stress on different areas of my body.  I no longer have lower back pain, I now have UPPER back pain which is interesting to say the least. And I also am working on sitting straighter.... some where I can hear my mother telling me to sit like a lady... :)

So why do I do these reflections?  I do these for myself but also to address real issues that people who have had GBS face. Since I love to educate and help people, I find this to be an excellent way to help people understand, while also educating them. And guess what?  It's free!!! :)