Reflections...

Under every full moon lies a reflection of the stars, and under every star lies a reflection of someone's soul. ~Ruthie Fer Shure

The last almost 5 months have been kind of a blur... In fact, I have been so busy SINCE I had my bypass, that really believe that the time has bone by quickly or at least quicker than it seems. I have to say though, that some of the reason why it has flown by, has been because of some very supportive people in my life, including my family: Bill and Chloe.  I honestly have appreciated all the encouragement and cheering on that many have you have been a part of.  It certainly helps knowing that there are so many people out there actually rooting for me instead of trying to break me or tear me down.  Of course, there have been people who have bailed along the way, and the funny thing is that I hardly noticed that the negative naysayers are gone!  I have to say that it is quite refreshing and motivating to not have to look at or hear a ton of negativity, whether it be in person or through social networking sites.

I know some people have been angry, jealous, or even vicious about my weight loss, but I will say what I have said, time and time again: this isn't always the right choice for everyone.  I understand that and I think that others should to.  Someday, I might actually be able to share one on one with people how I got the point of needing surgery for my obesity. I didn't decide one day that I wanted to be fat, but I did decide one day that I needed to do something about my obesity.  I was a heart attack and stroke just waiting to happen and so, at the prodding of my husband, I decided to go and at least attend an informational session.  I still wasn't convinced even up to a week before my surgery if this was for me.  I even prayed several times that if God DID not want me to have the surgery, to slam the door in my face so that I couldn't miss it.  And even though there were a few hiccups in the process, the door remained open.

So what is going on now that I have lost almost 70 pounds?  Well, quite frankly, I am learning how to live again.  I had retreated so far into myself that I had forgotten who I REALLY was.  I hid behind my identity as an intellectual, college professor, military wife, and mommy.  It was easier to get lost in those "hats" than to admit that I was lonely and embarrassed by myself.  I longed to go outside and do what I enjoyed in the past, to socialize, and to be valued as a contributing member of society.  I honestly believe that is why I stayed and I do stay busy.  It keeps my mind off of the things that make me feel so insecure and that bother me.  Easy right?  Nope...

Before I had my surgery, I was told that if I ever needed someone to talk to, that the counselor I saw for my psych eval was available.  She has been working with bariatric surgery patients for the last 20 years or so.  I really appreciate her advice and her willingness to listen even if it is a phone consult or a brief meeting.  I am not ashamed to say that I see her or talk to her. I find that I can in a non-judgmental setting where I feel totally and completely supported.  She also is one of my biggest cheerleaders and lets me know that even though I am have emotions and feelings surrounding my GBS, that I am doing the right thing and very strong for doing so.

Evidently many people do not utilize counselors after having surgery and tend to really struggle or even commit suicide.  Before anyone thinks this might be me, it isn't.   Mostly what I talk to her about is my issues with food that I did not realize that I had until AFTER the surgery.  I tend to be an all or nothing person.  I either am all in, or I am all out.  There is no in between so the biggest issue that I deal with is being afraid to eat.  I am so afraid of failing, so some days, I really struggle to eat what I should.  I am not saying that I am anorexic by any means (and I did ask her about this), but I am learning new coping skills and mechanisms in dealing with food. I appreciate the fact that she has given me strategies in dealing with this rather new phenomena.  If anyone who has had gastric bypass tells you that it doesn't mess with your mind and way of thinking, he or she is NOT being honest with themselves.  I am very strong mentally and I find that some days, I feel like my will is just not there.  So I believe that if I have bad days, others do too.

The whole reason why I decided to write this blog was to deal with REAL issues facing someone who has had GBS.  I understand that some people may not agree with the route I took or how I handle things.  That is fine, but realize that this blog is about MY journey and each person who goes on a journey like mine, faces different things.  Experiences are as varied as people are, which is why you will find that some things I talk about may not be as relevant as some.  Does that mean what I have to say is any less important?  No, because I believe that somehow, someone, somewhere could use some of the information or relate to what I am saying.  If I reach just one person, then I would say that this is all worth it.

Another issue that I find interesting is the issue of male attention.  No I won't say that I don't like it, but I also am not a huge fan of being ogled.  Compliments are nice, but it's uncomfortable to me because I am just not used it. I suppose if I was single, I might have a very different take on it, but I find it more amusing than anything. Is that bad? According to my therapist, it is normal to be cynical about this.  Of course my husband loves it because he has a "hot wife" now...   Once again, I don't even want to try to figure out the male mind.  No offense, but it's very one track and confusing.

One issue that I deal with too is the issue of excess skin.  Seriously, it bothers me because it's worse than it was when I was prego.  My hope is that after I lose all the weight that I get a body lift and a breast lift.  And yes, I am somewhat insecure about this.  I feel guilty almost to be complaining about excess skin when I have lost the extra weight, but now I am fully able to see what my weight coupled with pregnancy did to me and it ain't pretty!!! I have skin... everywhere and the worst part is that it is just there.... UGGGHHHH.

I'm also having back problems due to the change in my body structure, so I have been going back to my chiropractor for adjustments.  And yes they help!  I am a huge believer in alternative medicine and therapies and have seen a chiropractor since I was nine or ten.  I do notice that my posture has changed which has put stress on different areas of my body.  I no longer have lower back pain, I now have UPPER back pain which is interesting to say the least. And I also am working on sitting straighter.... some where I can hear my mother telling me to sit like a lady... :)

So why do I do these reflections?  I do these for myself but also to address real issues that people who have had GBS face. Since I love to educate and help people, I find this to be an excellent way to help people understand, while also educating them. And guess what?  It's free!!! :)

Progress!!!

Progress!!!

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Betrayal and Backstabbing....

Success:  To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.  This is to have succeeded!  

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

It took me awhile to determine how I was going to approach this subject because inevitably this subject riles people up, but I would rather speak truthfully about my thoughts about this than stew.  Since I have had this surgery, I have really found out who my friends are. I have also found out that people I have trusted in the past have not been so trustworthy as I thought.  This is a huge disappointment to me, but also a lesson learned.  Why am I even broaching the subject? Because I know a lot more about who is bashing me and telling my personal business than I let on.  Someone once told me a very wise thing: If someone finds it easy to talk about others to you, then they are probably doing the same thing to you. So let's tackle some of the issues I have encountered since I had my gastric bypass.

One backstabber has told multiple people that she is against gastric bypass and that I took the easy way out.  If you have read my blog to this point, you know that it has not been easy. Said person had the nerve to tell me before hand that she was proud of me for doing it and even  supposely said a prayer or two for me before the initial surgery. All I have to say is that I really don't care what she thinks about me.  I'm doing this for MY reasons, not hers. And nothing she says is going to change my journey! Personally if we are going to talk about fake, I could totally start, but that is all I am going to say.  If you take the time to get to really know me-which few do- I am pretty transparent and straightforward.  I would suggest that this person read the dictionary to find out what "fake" means and see how it completely applies to her.  

I cannot tell you how many times, people have told me about people talking about my weight loss to them negatively but those same people are the ones encouraging me to my face. From former friends from WTE to current acquaintances and family, my personal life must be SOOOO interesting to be discussed so frequently.  Just come clean, if they have an issue, then they should be honest.  I would much rather someone tell me to my face that they don't agree than act like they do and they say something completely different to other people. If I'm offended, I'll get over it in short: Jealousy does not make you look attractive and neither does the backstabbing. If I am so horrible for doing this, then why am I the topic of your conversation.  Seriously, I graduated from high school over 16 years ago and even then I had no tolerance for rude people.  How about people letting people live and let live.  Does my surgery directly impact you or them directly.  If not then bug off! 

Why can't people be truly happy for someone when they accomplish a goal?  Why do people think that it gives them the right to analyze and determine someone's motives.  If you ask me my motives, I will be very honest about it.  I wanted to be healthier for my family and myself... that's it in a nutshell.  I took over two years to make this decision and then went through another year long process to even get approved for the surgery.  For the naysayers who say that I could have done it through to diet and exercise, I say no way.  I have fibromyalgia which when I was heavier, was worsened by the weight and then exercise.  I did exercise and I did eat smaller portions etc.  Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am a very healthy eater and want my family to be as well.  Instead of judging someone, how about you ASK.  Of course asking is too hard, so people go around with their opinions about something that they know absolutely NOTHING about.  

If you haven't ever been overweight, then you have no clue why I am nor do you have to right to psychoanalyze me.  Just because you may have a degree in psychology does not mean that you know everything.  In fact, I had to have a psych eval BEFORE I had this surgery to make sure that I have the mental fortitude to be successful.  I also paid for this out of pocket- close to $1000 because my insurance would not pay for it. Everyone's motive for having any surgery should not be questioned.  However, it generally is so that people have fodder for gossip.  Take about fake.... Supposed compliments are thinly veiled but the sarcasm comes out and is noticed.  Like my mother says, "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all"... That is a good rule of thumb to live by. I prefer to be blunt and say simply, "Mind your own darn business"! 

Are people's lives so darn boring that they HAVE to talk about people?  I have cute some people out of my life due to this silliness.  I became disgusted with grown adults acting like children about trivial stuff.  I also do have friends who watch out for me and have told me when people are asking about me (who basically have either thrown me under the bus, read more into what I have said, or who are shady in general.  So far, I have figured out that there are several people who think it is great fun to talk about me.  Why haven't I deleted them cut my ties with them, because to me, it is more fun to mess with their pea brains than it is to be angry and freak out about their criticism. Sometimes you just have to feed the trolls in life!

I have found that people tend to criticize people for anything, as long as they get their two seconds of fame. The sad thing is that when a friend was recently criticized for something that was totally against her character, I defended her.  I knew the truth, but I wasn't about to let her business or reputation be sullied by a jealous former co-worker. In the past, I expected the same from my friends and acquaintances but honestly, I only know a few people who would actually go to bat for me if need be. This is disheartening but once again, I am thankful that my eyes are open to this now.

So what am I saying?  Well I am saying that I would rather have no friends than people who think that they are my friends but are just as guilty as others in regards to talking about and bashing me... With that said, true friends and true counsel are what matters.  I respect people who tell me what they think and feel, without there being an obvious angle. If your agenda is to befriend the former fat girl, forget it.  I am older and wiser and thankfully, more discerning than I have been in the past.  I also don't want other people to feel or hear what I have.  I can't shield people from the idiots of the world, but I was once told as a child, that if you want friends, you have to show yourself friendly... I would also add trustworthy. 

Unfortunately too many people in this world cannot be trusted because all they care about is themselves.   As I mentioned before, I am finding that more people care about themselves than their fellow man.  It is easier to bash and criticize than be adult and tell the truth.  Heck, if someone or any of the people I mentioned, had told me their thoughts, I still would have done what I did, but I would have at least validated what they had to say.  I was not afforded that chance and though life isn't fair, how fair is it for them to expect it out of me but do nothing about it themselves... I call that hypocrisy at it's finest.

So why do people betray and back stab?  Well there are so many reasons that I can't name them all. But some of the few are: jealousy, insecurity, discontent, envy, and anger.  Those are NOT qualities that I want in a friend or anyone that I consider a friend. All those items do is tear people apart. I would rather have 3 good friends than a million acquaintances. Be kind to one another.  Don't be nice just because you want someone to buy your good or service or be your friend on social networking sites or social gatherings.  Be nice because it is the RIGHT thing to do. Be nice because kind people are rare jewels these days.  Be kind because you never know how your kindness could impact someone today.  If you are in doubt about something someone has told you about a person that you thought or think you know well, then go straight to the source. If you have an issue with me or anyone else, come clean and be honest instead of making yourself look like a jackass....  

Most people are forgiving, but once you mess with their family, it is on!  And lastly, if you have fair weather friends like I mentioned, give them the boot.  Bluntly speaking: If you are dealing with toxic people like this in your life, get rid of them... Be confident in who you are and if you have done what you know to be right, then why worry about what others think? You will sleep better at night and be less stressed out at night. And honestly, just because someone wouldn't have chosen this route for weight loss doesn't mean that those of us who have are wrong or weak.  Some of the strongest people I know have done things the unconventional way and been stronger for it! Give them a break!!! Aren't we hard enough on ourselves without adding to someone else's misery?  Conversely, if you are a constant critic, eventually no one will come to for advice because you are so harsh.  Be constructive and remember that if your intent is to TRULY be constructive, then you will go to the person about your issues, instead of airing your issues with them in the court of public opinion!!! It's your choice!!!

Vomiting is NOT Fun!

So you know when you vomit too much when your toddler says,"Are you ok, Mommy?  You puke?",  every stinkin time you go to the bathroom!  Even if I wanted to be a bulimic, it would be impossible with my nosy toddler (I hope I didn't offend anyone with that comment). However, I have started running in, doing my business, and out so she doesn't see or bug me about it.  Does it bother me?  Heck yeah, but I also have used it as a teachable moment.  She doesn't understand about surgery, but I tell her that Mommy is fine but sometimes I eat stuff that my tummy thinks is gross, so it gets sick.  That generally satisfies her curiosity and she is off doing what she does (usually something like stealing the remote or trying on my shoes).

Personally, I hate vomiting. I didn't have a $70000 surgery to vomit in the end. My body's natural reaction to stress, migraines, and general illness is to vomit. So you can imagine how many times I have done this in my lifetime.  Keep in mind that this DOES happen with GBS and some times no matter how hard you try, it happens.  I am actually going to talk to my dentist about resealing my teeth since it is so frequent.I want to take precautions to make sure that I have teeth left after I lose the weight. I also have to make sure that I stagger my supplements and vitamins so I don't vomit them up.

Yes, I know this topic is a little unnerving but it has to be explored.  Do I vomit every day?  No, I do not, but certain items cause the upset stomach.  Dairy does it if I do not eat another protein before and  WITH it.  Any type of simple carbs or sugary foods will do it.  I literally think about donuts and cake but do not DARE eat them for fear of vomiting.  Maybe it is a blessing in disguise, but what ever it is, it is normal according to my surgeon. My body is still learning what is tolerable and what isn't.  Thankfully it is tolerating the good stuff (for the most part) and giving me signals when it can't or won't handle something.  From a positive standpoint, I really think deeply about what I eat now in order to avoid feeling sick and vomiting.  Even so, even with the side effects, I am so grateful for a second chance at life!!!