Lessons in Forgiveness~Domestic Abuse and Divorce

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand, Then you stand

~ Rascal Flatts "Stand"

I have started this post over and over again and the stopped and then started writing again, only to erase what I have written entirely and started over again.  Why do you ask? Because writing this post was painful.  It was painful to relive the nightmare that I went through not only in my first marriage but two successive relationships AFTER the divorce.  I am going to try to explain things without pointing fingers or blaming too much, but the fact remains, this was MY experience and for someone to fully understand, I think that they must go through something like this. My hope is that through this blog post, that I reach someone who really needs to be reached and have someone examine their own relationship based on what I write. The above quote is a song that I listen to daily when I run.  I won't lie, there have been days that are the darkest and hearing that song brings me to tears.  Mostly, because it rings true but I did have to make a stand one day that changed my life.... thankfully for the better.

I should have walked away when I first met him.  I truly believe that... But in hindsight we always see the big picture and realize what we failed to see because love, is blind and sometimes VERY stupid.  Evidently he saw me in the cafeteria at JBU and had tried to talk to me and I supposedly snubbed him.  He then asked someone who I was and they said, "Oh that is AJ".  To which he replied, "Ok, she's a real witch".  I guess that if that if that is the first impression someone has, it makes sense why things went so sour.

The first time he hit me, was at a party and he blamed it on drinking.  I ended our dating relationship, but then he begged me to take him back.  I should never have. When I met his family, the dynamics were dysfunctional to say the least.  They all lived and thrived on bitterness and revenge.  I guess it should not have surprised that I was often the target of their rage.  All too often, they had lashed out against Jayson and so now it only made sense that they treated me the same way.  The difference was that I was different, and strong willed, so I would not take any of their crap.  This angered them so they lashed out against him and the vicious cycle continued.

I supposed I could hash out every scenario that existed.  If you can imagine it, it happened.  From being hit and choked, to being ridiculed and called names, he and they did it.  I don't see the point in rehashing it all because point blank: they have serious mental health and relationship issues.  But I will say that what was said and done to me affected me to my very core.  I became like a zombie and that coupled with several miscarriages caused me to believe that I was better off dead.  And the sad thing is that I acted on it.

I spent several days in an inpatient facility after being physically abused by my ex husband and being yelled at and ridiculed by his family.  While I was there, the therapist suggested that I examine my relationship with my ex.  I realized that as long as he let his family control him, then they would control me, and his emotions and his reaction to me.  However, I thought that I deserved it, so it was my lot in life and I had to do the right thing and stay married to him.  So I did.

After I graduated from college, I took a job in the Twin Cities and spent my time back and forth between Fargo and the Cities.  My ex was still in Fargo (where he still is to this day... I wonder why that town has such a hold on him).  I lived with my former mother in law and sister in law who lived together.  Big mistake... If I thought the verbal and mental abuse was bad before, it was thousands of times worse living with them.  Now they ways to manipulate both of us without us even being in the same state!  During that time my Grandmother Rosalie died and they were not at all sympathetic to say the least. They also started telling lies about me and eventually changed the locks on the house so I could not get in or out.

That was the final straw... They set it up so that I would miss his graduation, so I stayed with friends.  I am not completely sure of all the lies that were told, but I do know that I was fed up.  I suggested a trial separation.  The purpose was for him and me to get counseling and figure out where things went wrong.  This was the second time for us to go to marriage counseling in a 4 year marriage. I seriously should have seen the signs.  I went and he never went... eventually he served me with divorce papers which I am sure and I know for a fact it was because his mother told him to divorce me.  She said that it would look better for him.  Looking back, I guess that it would have, especially because there were police reports from the domestic abuse complaints.

So I was 26 and looking at being a divorcee... I continued in counseling and therapy but I still hadn't figured out why I didn't leave sooner. Part of it was because my parents' reaction to our separation and subsequent divorce.  They were NOT supportive to say the least.... Things are different now, but I didn't talk to them for a year.  And to add insult to injury, he moved in with my parents.  That was because he was full of lies... I was still getting over the abuse and the lies when I made the mistake of getting in relationships with not just one but two abusers.

They say that people who are abusers tend to be able to spot their victims readily.  I guess that is probably true.  One relationship with Travis lasted a little over a year.  What ended that was me being thrown down the stairs and him having his kids join in the abuse.  I promptly petitioned and received a restraining order.  He pretty much let me alone once it was known what he had done.

I met another guy named Gary (I could write a whole book on my experience with him because he is a diagnosed sociopath).  He listened to my tales of woe and little by little turned out to be my worst nightmare.  I thought he was listening because he cared but he was listening and taking notes to figure out ways to manipulate and control me. He was like my ex husband but thousands of times worse.  After that relationship was over, I decided that I needed to go back into counseling and figure out what about me was drawing these types of men to me.  Looking back, it was so easy to control me so that was the draw.

During all of this, I didn't go to church and the one church that I did go to, condemned me for being divorced.  In fact the pastor of that "church", I would actually say more of a cult in sheep's clothing, told me that if I ever remarried that I would committing adultery.  And furthermore, that I would not go to heaven because I was a divorcee.  Regardless on what doctrine you believe, the last time I checked, God is a loving God.  But since my parents were upset with me, friends, and others that I had relied on in the past decided to judge me, I wasn't about to go to any church and risk rejection or humiliation EVER again.

So why am I mentioning this.  Well during the course of all of this, I realized that the reason why I allowed myself to get into such horrible relationships was because I didn't think that I mattered.  In my first marriage, I gained weight without realizing it, but now I think it was a way to protect me.  Then I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia so I felt excused to a point.  After each abusive relationship, I gained more weight.  I have honestly sat down and examined this and found that each time I left a relationship that was abusive I was heavier but I also could not lose the weight gained. Then I had an epiphany, for me to move forward, I had to forgive.

If you know me, you know that I tend to be a realist, so realistically, I didn't believe that this was possible until I heard Oprah (of all people... mind you I like her, but she isn't always en pointe) say that there was a time that she hated someone for what they had done to her.  It wasn't until she saw that person outside of Tiffany's laughing with someone that she realized that the person wasn't miserable like she had wished.  She had spent her time and energy hating someone who wasn't fazed by what they had done to her.  I also look to the example of Jesus Christ who said, "Forgive them, Father.  They know not what they do".  Let me tell you, I struggled and struggled with forgiving the abuse, the humilation, the taking of my money, time, and resources to work on a relationship that failed.  Then I realized that I didn't only have to forgive to move on, but I had to forgive to forgive MYSELF.

I was being a hypocrite in that I was being just like my ex Jayson's family.  I was being consumed with bitterness and that was manifested in self hatred.  I am pretty sure that is where the weight gain came in.  I just didn't care anymore.  I didn't care about my health, safety, or wellbeing.  Why should I when no one else did.  My own family was upset with me about this divorce, so why should I find joy in escaping? However, something interesting happened. Once I started to forgive, I was able to see things with greater clarity and discernment.  Once I started to forgive, I started to forgive myself.

You see, my perfectionistic tendencies never allowed me to be a failure.  I felt that since I had failed at the one thing that everyone sees: body image and weight coupled with marriage, meant that I was worthless.  In fact, the last thing that my ex said to me was that no one would ever want me.  So I believed that which is why I chose losers and abusers.

Why am I sharing this with you?  Because with any weight loss or weight gain, there can be external forces that impact it.  Be honest with yourself and see how your past affects your relationships now.  It can be very eyeopening.  Once I was able to see that, I was able to move past being the perpetual victim and fixing myself so that I would not allow myself to be hurt again.  Not only that, I had to forgive my ex, his family, my parents, the rude pastor, and various people that though that since I was divorced so young, I had leprosy or something. Some of those relationships have been repaired, and some have not, and not because of me!  The moment I realized that I deserved something other than abuse, I was open to someone who wasn't abusive to care about me. 

If you are on a journey of your own, whether it be weight loss or getting out of a bad relationship or dealing with a painful past, remember that you are worth something.  It isn't always  easy to believe that; I know that full well.  But if anything, realize that we have to get ourselves right before we can be good to anyone else.  That may mean breaking ties with people who are toxic or even going through the painful process of exposing the layers of who you are.  Lastly, you must forgive and move on.  It is vital to your very existence! Otherwise the bitterness will overtake you.

I leave you with one last quote.  One of my favorite movies as a child was Star Wars and no I am not a fanatic like some, but there is one quote that Yoda says to Luke that has stuck with me: “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” Do you really, REALLY want to suffer anymore?  I know that I sure don't!!! Forgiveness is the only way to no longer suffer. Who cares if the person or persons who wronged you never know.  All that matters is that YOU know and you can move on without being tangled up in the briar patch of fear, self hatred, and suffering.  You deserve better and you ARE worth it!!!