Almost there....

A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us. ~ John Steinbeck


Even though I have faced my fair share of criticism, dealt with gossips and backstabbers, had "friends" bail on me, and dealt with more jealousy and rude comments than anyone should ever have to deal with, I am incredibly thankful for many people. Friends and strangers have held me accountable and encouraged me through my weight loss journey and it has been appreciated.  It hasn't been an easy ride, but times like this, I am thankful for having a good work ethic coupled with faith, persistence, dedication and good old Irish stubbornness to get me through. I truly believe that a weaker person, would have broken down by now... And rightfully so: this is hard work- mentally, spiritually, intellectually, physically, and emotionally. 
Mentally it's been hard because as I've mentioned, after being heavy since 1998, and being small prior to that, I have in my head that I am still the plus size girl. Since I was smaller and gained weight, I m fearful of gaining all the weight back. I guess with my perfectionistic tendencies, I don't want to fail myself and others.

Spiritually, it's been easy. My faith is an important aspect of my life and through prayer and prayers from others, I've been able to deal with the issues that impact my total health. I feel that faith, only makes me stronger because I realize that I am not alone. My church family has been supportive and many people there and elsewhere have prayed for me. Faith in God has been an important part of my resilience through this process. Though it may not be a popular belief, considering what I've been through, I believe that my faith has made me stronger.

Intellectually, things have been easy to a point, as well. Since my background is in exercise physiology and nutrition (before nursing and now education), I had a great foundation before the surgery. This has been extremely helpful as I work to lose the weight and keep it off. I encourage those with limited knowledge or no background in medicine, to learn as much as you can about the process and alternatives. Continuing to educate myself and seeking information from other bariatric patients had kept me sane. I am so grateful to the Beth(e)s (two friends), Tracy, and Jamie for their honesty and candidness about this process. It helps to have friends who not only encourage you but understand the struggles and offer suggestions.

Physically it's been a nightmare! My fibromyalgia clears up for at least 2-3 months and returns with a vengeance. I still do what I can to stay active. We have also had extremes with the weather as well, so that hasn't helped at all. Neither has being sick with everything from a head cold to the stomach flu. The flu is horrendous after GBS! You can feel your stomach gurgling more than before and vomiting hurts like you are dying. I will say that being sick is less painful when the weight is less, mostly because when you are sick, you aren't carrying around extra weight and wearing down faster.

One area that I did blog about before is in regards to my ADHD. Now that I have less weight and more energy, I find that my over activity tendencies have come back. So now I take Meds again for the first time since college. I find it interesting but it was also frustrating. Probably because I changed some of my coping skills and habits. I also find that now that I have renewed energy, I want to experience the world again. Sometimes I overdo it. Other times I get frustrated because I want to go places etc and no one else does. Of course some of it is due to circumstances. I didn't want to do anything before because I was self conscious and because I became tired so easily. I'm not sure how to remedy this. I also had a mild form of agoraphobia before (who wouldn't when you are criticized for your weight all the time). I think that people don't think to ask me to do anything because in the past it was so painful for me. Not sure how to remedy that which is why I try to stay busy with projects etc. That way, I don't feel as lonely. Yes I am busy and I love to spend time with my family, but I also like to go out without them too. And it doesn't help when your best friend moves to the East Coast either. Still figuring out how to deal that. But I will say, it has made more more aware of the loneliness that others face, so I try to reach out to others who I see are experiencing this. I will say that simple gestures like a compliment, texts, or social media comments are greatly appreciated, not just by me, but others. Being an encouragement to others is perhaps one of the greatest things you can do! You never know how it can impact them.

Emotionally, I find that I am working to deal with the way that people treated me in HS when I was a size 6... My gain after I moved to ND and my highest weight of 276 and my current size 10. I realize that people had no clue about various aspects of my life in respect to music and other accomplishments. I didn't want to draw attention to myself cause I was painfully aware that stereotypes often supercede even what people who know you think. It's weird running into people who had no time for you before and them either not recognizing you OR them recognizing you and treating you different. It's a weird feeling because I lost this weight to live and the fickleness of society is more apparent than ever. Assumptions are dangerous and also frustrating. I now see how discriminatory people are to those who are heavy. I think that why it was not so apparent to me in the past was because I withdrew because of the weight. I also was able rest on my laurels, so to speak, of being an educator. To me, teaching was my saving grace and where I wasn't judged on my appearance.

I also struggle with how judgmental, rude, and mean people have been towards me since I started this journey. Don't get me wrong, I was warned of this but WOW!!! People's judgements, jealousy, and rumormongering, were not at all what I expected. I guess I figured that since I was happy for anyone who makes changes in their lives that are good for them, people would be the same way towards me. I won't go into the details but what has happened or been said to or about me has been interesting and downright rude in some cases. Hey! I do have feelings regardless of whether I am large or small! I think some people are seeing for the first time, the real me who was hampered by my weight and self esteem issues. Anyone who has known me since 1998 would not know that. However in all fairness, most people I know now do not, so they haveno clue. Perhaps that's why I have reached out to friends who have known me the longest, though many of my "newer" friends have been there for me too. Sadly, I have had to end friendship or at the least spend less time with certain people. As painful as it is, sometimes it has to be done. Lately, I've started noticing that some people that I had time for in the past, have no time for me. Probably because in the past, I took care of everyone but me, and now I'm focusing on me and my health, and no as much as others. You cannot be good for anyone, unless you are first good to yourself, which I am working on.

Having been treated poorly and ridiculed for my weight, I am more aware of when others are facing similar things. It has caused me to examine my own attitudes and beliefs. In the past and even now, I've been confident in who I am. But being aware of prejudices, makes me a bit standoffish and more discerning in regards to people and situations. Even with all the stress, I think it's been worth it. Especially since I have experienced being obese and now being back close to my HS size. Even though it's been painful,I needed to learn about stereotypes people have and experience being heavy... I look at the experience as a life lesson. I have become stronger, empathetic, and also a bit vulnerable.

So this is where I am... No one promised that the journey would be easy... That's for sure, but I'm taking this second chance to live again, help others to realize their true potentional, educate people about GBS, and to encourage others. I want to take all of the negative aspects of the journey and turn it into something positive. I suppose that is the teacher in me, but I also believe it is the human in me. We all want to be understood, be appreciated, be validated, feel safe, and be loved. I just wish that we wouldn't forget that so easily...