Perfect Life? I Don't Think So...

If you sit on your butt and have a pity party, you won't get anywhere!  Cause when all is said and done, all you're left with is your crappy attitude and people who don't want to be around you because they are afraid that your negativity will wear off on them. Basically you end up miserable AND alone. ~ Ronald D.  Scarbrough (paraphrased).

My dad was pretty tough on us as kids and looking back he even admits that he was harder than he should of been.  However, I learned quite a bit by the things that he said like, "Wish in one hand and want in the other and see which one fills us faster", "If you don't control yourself, someone else will control you", and  plethora of others like the first quote.  On any account this weekend, I was accused of having a perfect life.  To which I responded that it hasn't been perfect but I have learned from my mistakes and through that shared with others so that they do not make the same ones that I have.  I started thinking about the "strikes" against in me in life and how, no matter what, I have steadfast and become stronger from the experience.  In fact, from the beginning of my life, I really didn't have a "fair shake" at life, but throughout the last 36 years, a few things have been a constant: my Irish stubbornness and persistence, a desire to learn from and correct my mistakes, following impossible dreams, and my faith in God.

1. I was born to a 19 year old mother with a 10th grade education.  That in and of itself according to some, should have made me a problem child from the start, but I don't let that define me.  To top it off, I am mixed race- Dutch Irish Black Hispanic and Indonesian- and until recently, people still had their rather wrong opinions about "mixed children".  I was blessed to be adopted into a family where my parents, who were not wealthy by any means, made us their priority.  They only told me a few times in life that I couldn't do something, which they admit was a mistake, because I always set out to prove them wrong.  Especially in the case of my education.

2. I have a learning disability, ADHD, and numeric dyslexia- the result of being administered a bad vaccine in 1976 (DPT).  My parents were basically told that I was lazy, but they saw that it was something else. My parents recognized something else and I would sit and cry night after night struggling to understand something while my parents were patient.  I can't tell you how many times, my dad stayed up late at night helping me work through an algebraic equation.  I have learned to cope and haven't let this hinder me in my pursuit of education and life in general.  If anything, it has made me more aware and go into a field- education- in order to better understand myself and others who struggle. I supposed I could have used the issues as a crutch, but I chose to over come them rather than let them hold me down.  And it wasn't easy.  I spend more time than the average person on some things because not only do I want to get it right, but I want to figure out how I can do better in the future.

3. I grew up in the racist South.  I could literally write a book on what I have seen and heard, but it isn't worth it. I even had some pretty racist people in my own family.  I learned that people really aren't that bad, but they are mostly scared of what they don't know or don't understand. That pretty much sums it up, but it is up to each of us to break through prejudices by not perpetuating them, but rather showing people that not "ALL" people are the way that they perceive them.  I take my direction in this from the writings of Booker T. Washington. I won't let someone define me by their perception of my worth.

4. Dating... yeah that was a joke.  In college, it was an even bigger joke because people judged me by what they saw.  Take away my intelligence and my parents and how I was raised, all you see is a minority female who suprisingly has no children out of wedlock.  I honestly though that I was weird or ugly or something.  And no I did NOT come up with this on my own: someone told me what guys were saying about me.  Now let's totally swing the other direction.  Some guys dated me because they believed that I was "easy" because of my ethnicity or because they had something to prove.  So when a guy, in college actually took note of me, I settled because I figured that no one else would date me, then he was the one for me.  Boy was I ever wrong.  Don't settle for second best...

6. Low self-esteem due to my failed marriage caused me to once again, seek a relationship no matter the cost.  I went through a series of failed abusive relationships.  One was because I didn't think that I deserved better.  Once your spirit has been broken, you view the world differently.  Unfortunately, there are other people out there who see this and use it to their advantage. After this, I decided that I needed to figure out what it was in me that drew jerks to me.  I went to see a counselor, because I realized that before I was good to anyone else, I had to be good to me.  Say what you want, but taking this time to heal and swearing off relationships for a time, was a great thing for me.  I also learned to be more discerning which has become a strength of mine.  I realized that even then I read people well but my hurt and my wanting to belong, clouded my vision.

7. Miscarriages... It's really still painful to even write this right now, so I am not sure if I am going to tell all the details, but I was told that I would never have children.  Between the PCOS and other medical issues, I was told that I would never carry a child to term.  Yes, I have Chloe, but she is indeed a miracle.  Of course, I am so blessed to have her, but we had considered and still consider adoption to be a wonderful choice, for obvious reasons. 

8. Fibromyalgia, obesity, and high blood pressure.  I pretty much got fat because of depression and probably some self loathing as well as the added issues of fibro and high blood pressure.  Technically, I should be collecting disability, but as far as I am concerned, that is never going to happen.  I suffer greatly, physically for this decision almost daily, but I am learning how to cope.  I was diagnosed in 1996 and per my rheumatologist, though I might have had it beforehand, she thinks the trigger for the worst part of it was the abusive in my first marriage.  That created another issue there because my ex couldn't handle how it affected me and thus got angry starting the nasty cycle again. There are seriously some days where the pain is so bad that I want to die.  But I don't give up... I do what I can and move forward!

9. I almost died after I had Chloe.  During my pregnancy, I had pre-eclampsia, gestational diabetes and a myriad of other issues.  I had Chloe six weeks early after an almost 2 month stay in the hospital.  I worked from my hospital bed to keep from going crazy but also because I was needed.  The week that she was in the NICU, I spent time in the ICU and CCICU because my blood pressure was sky high... I was in the 200's/160s.... I really should NOT be here writing this right now because no one really knows how it resolved itself.  I say it was all God. In fact, Chloe went home from the NICU before I came home from the ICU.  Reading the notes from my hospital stay, they didn't have much hope for a recovery and were pretty sure that I was going to stroke out and die.  Thus my second time in 33 years that I cheated death due to some medical anomaly. 

10. MRSA-  Before I met Bill, I was going to take a job at Luke AFB.  I went to visit the hospital there and somehow came in contact with MRSA.  Spent a week in the hospital, underwent surgery to remove necrotic tissue and was able to regain full use of my arm again.  They were pretty sure they were going to have to amputate, but I am still here.  Once again... God! 

11. I was homeless for a time and lived paycheck to paycheck thanks to my ex.  After my divorce, I had nothing.  I was removed from our bank accounts and told that I was not eligible for any assistance because they went off of my previous years taxes.  So I was one of the working poor.  In the beginning, I stayed with friends until I got a job and could get a place of my own.  I also ended up getting food from the food shelf because once my bills were paid, I had enough to get to work.  It sucked but I then ended up working five jobs to get myself out of poverty.  Yes, poverty!  I went from making almost $40,000 a year in the pharmaceutical world to almost nothing.  Thankfully I had parents who taught me to work hard and do what I could to survive.  To add insult to injury, I was left with my ex's debt and an $11,000 IRS bill that he failed to pay or tell me about. I had a POS car that hit at least 4 deer that I can think of.  However, I made it through and I have lived to tell the story.

12.  This time last year, I was 276 pounds and close to sealing my own death wish.  I would have probably had a heart attack or stroke now, if I had not had GBS.  It was honestly my last resort, but I have taken it as a new lease on life.  I figured that I had cheated death enough times, that surely obesity would do me in.  I had a total heart and mind transformation with this.  I realized that I deserved to live like the rest of the world, but it would take pain and sacrifice.  I also had the support of my family and close friends, which has meant the world to me.  It has not been easy.  I have lost friends, had people attack me and my character, but I am not going to back down.  Quite simple: I want to live.

So when people tell me that I have a perfect life, I laugh.  When they are persistent about it, I get upset because it couldn't be further from the truth.  What you think that you see is not what it is.  I have taken all the bad circumstances that I have thankfully, lived through and decided that I am going to do what it takes to succeed.  I took a personality test a year ago and one thing that the test surmised about me is that: "Ami sees challenges in life as opportunities.  She routinely proves that the impossible is possible".  Yep, that is me.  I could sit and wallow in the crappy circumstances that life has dealt me, or I can use it to help others.  My students perhaps benefit from this most of all.  They can relate and feel comfortable talking to me, because I am very honest about my past.  I also let them know that you can face some pretty crappy odds and rise to the top.  

No one is going to hand you opportunities, you have to create them yourself.  I've also learned that the least you can do is try.  If you have never tried, then the only person you can blame is you.  Someone asked me one day if I had a "Bucket List".  I don't, but the reason is because, when I want to do something, I do it or at least do what I can to do it.  Seriously, why do we let our own fears and insecurities dictate what we do in life?  I did that for far too long and I refuse to sit there and let things just happen to me. I struggle with people who have a "poor me" and a defeatist attitude.  I have found that we can be our own worst enemies.  Yeah, sometimes we have to get out of our comfort zones and do something we never thought possible.  Do you know that I decided in college that I did not want to be a teacher?  I dropped all my education classes my sophomore year and said no way.  One reason was because I did observations and saw the issues teachers face.  The other reason was I figured why would someone want to have me as a teacher when I had learning disabilities etc.  I let my fear and insecurities draw me away from something that I am really good at.  Of course now you see a dean of education and college professor, but then all I could see was this stupid person that no one would pay for information.

I've also been told that I don't know what it is like to be in other's shoes.  I beg to differ... I do know what it is like for most things and I hate it when people use it as an excuse to hold themselves back.  Do you know that when I go to a class for the first time (when I am teaching), I am scared to death that no one will listen to me?  Do you know that when I play keyboard in front of people, I rarely look up because I am wrapped in the music, otherwise, I would throw up? Do you know that I have two crappy knees that were ruined through sports and even moreso through being heavy?  I am also flat footed and hate running long distances, but still I run and train to run 5ks and eventually a marathon.  No you see a self confident person who enjoys doing those things. Did you know that for the longest time, I thought that maybe not being able to have children was a blessing in disguise? I honestly though I would be a crappy parent.  I don't think that I perfect but what parent is?  It will be interested to look back, when Chloe is an adult and see exactly what I did right. Don't get me wrong, I love doing the things I mentioned, but I still struggle on a daily basis with my own insecurities and I had to remind myself daily that I am worth it and that I have worked hard to get to where I am.  Hard work creates positive results. And per Dr. Burns, "You gotta fake it, until you make it!"... I love the saying and love it even more considering that he saw potential in me during college, that I didn't see myself!

Even my marriage isn't perfect.  Being an Army Wife is nothing like the show.  It sucks, because my husband has been gone more of our marriage than with me.  Adjustment is always hard after long absences and even communication before, during, and after sucks.  We have problems like everyone else, from extended family, to how I do things versus how he does things.  Yeah I said it and it is out there for everyone see.  So what? No one is perfect and I think often times, our own arrogance is what does us in.  Meaning that instead of being willing to admit faults, we let people think what they want instead of being brutally honest. We have to work at our marriage like anyone else... 

So before you think that anyone's life is "easy" or "perfect":  How about talking to them and asking them what they have done in life, experienced, or overcome.  I am sure that you will find that they have worked just as hard, if not harder to get to where they are.  Look at famous people as well.  Steve Jobs was pretty much kicked out of his own company, Edison failed at the light bulb several thousand times, Einstein had a learning disability, Oprah grew up poor and abused: I could go on and on.  The point is: we ALL have a story that has either made us or broken us. How we recover, depends on if we plan on letting our past and present hold us back, or do we push through and forward.  When I share my past and present, it is not done to condemn or have people feel sorry for me.  It is done so that people won't make the same costly and stupid mistakes that I have. As Randy Pausch said, "We cannot chose the hand we are dealt, just how we play the hand".  How do you choose to play the hand?