Disappointment...

 “I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”
―Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

My new car... 2013 Dodge Charger

 

Though the above quote is about romantic relationships, it can be applied to friendships or acquaintanceship.  When I read Eat, Pray, Love; I realized that Gilbert and I relate on so many different levels. We believe in the potential of others to do better and be better, but often they don't see it. As with anything in life, I have my moments like anyone else... And the last thing I ever want to be is a disappointment. I have been spending the last two weeks realizing that though I love others deeply and freely, there are few that return the favor. I wasn't sure about a few of my friendships in life, so I tried an experiment. First I didn't contact anyone or communicate with anyone to see who would actually reach out first. Then when it was about a week, I started a conversation with, "Sorry I am such a disappointment". The responses I received varied from "What" to "You are not a disappointment" to "We are on different clouds". To be honest, I didn't receive any responses that changed my decision any at all. I decided to let people and things go which require me to feel obligated to attend to them other than my daughter, Chloe.

The worst part is that several people were people I thought cared and even loved me. I found out differently. I guess out of sight out of mind. You have to firmly be in the forefront for most people to even remember who you are, care, or even respond. What I learned from this was 1) Convenience is everything.  This is not necessarily a positive thing. Basically people will go for convenience even when it comes to relationships. 2) I am tired of making time for people in my life who simply do not care.  I am tired of caring about people who only seek to use me for my big heart and my willingness to give them the shirt off my back. I think I have taken the concept of not leaving anyone behind and giving the shirt off my back, beyond what was reasonable for individuals, who for whatever reason, have shown no regard for my feelings and thoughts. Quite simply: I'm done... I wish those individuals the best, but I cannot keep on burning the candle at both ends in order to keep the lines of communication open. Communication goes two ways. Anyone who knows me, knows I am communicative and I am tired of trying to keep dying friendships alive when no one else cares to. Some people are in your life for a season, but also for a reason. Change is a good thing...

I know that I am not a disappointment. That wasn't the point. It was mostly to see where I stood with people in my life. I also realized that I am always seeking to better myself and the world around me, so therefore I attract people who want the same thing; only they don't want to do what it takes to get it. Living vicariously through me is not the way to do it. You have to do it yourself. I can offer encouragement and support, but I am done supporting people who do not support me on a regular basis and who create chaos in my life. One has to ascend into greatness on their own.

On that note: I have moved to a permanent place in Alabama. I previously had roommates (3) and now I have a place in the country/rural area outside of Birmingham. I have paid off quite a bit of debt recently and was able to purchase a new 2013 Dodge Charger- a car I have always wanted. Everyone who knows me, knows I am not a typical woman. I like guns, beer, fast cars, hunting, fishing, camo, and adrenaline, while reapplying my lipstick I have retrieved from my Coach purse and discussing philosophy and education. I appreciate my parents for raising a well rounded daughter and I hope to do the same with Chloe.

We have made it through our mock audit for re-accreditation. I am close to dissertation. My daughter is starting kindergarten. My brother was married on Friday.  My best friend is having a baby. I have been in Birmingham almost a year. I have worked my butt off to get to where I am and it is paying off. Finally, getting rid of so much extra baggage and "boogers" (as my best friend puts it), that I am content. It's all about the little stuff. Don't get me wrong, I will still do what I can to help people, but I am going to do it the way I know best, through education, food/cooking, and loving & caring for the right people. I plan on listening to my 6th sense/intuition, more often. Mostly because when I don't, I get burned. For those of you who are reading who have stuck by me and who didn't get the communication I talked about, know that the reason why you didn't is because there wasn't a question in my mind where you stood with me and I with you.  Thank you for your loyalty, support, AND communication.